The Onion — Marty Cramer • Editor

"Land The Perfect Job By Having Your Rich Dad Set You Up"

"ONN Exclusive: Fire-Ninja Inferno Becomes First Openly Gay Fatal Melee Fighter"

"BREAKING: Hundreds Feared Dead In Coors Light Party Train Crash"

"How To Spice Up The Romantic Wedding Moments Every Bride Shares With Her Father"

"Bloomberg Defends NYPD’s Controversial Stop And Kiss Program"

"More Office Workers Switching To Fetal Position Desks"

"Olympic Village Tour: See Where The Athletes Live, Train And Fuck Each Other"

"Congressman Embroiled In Sexting Scandal Explains: 'I Wanted That Girl To See My Penis’"

"Pop Star Janna Hayspice Confronts The Rumors That She Is Really Just A Writhing, Sentient Mass Of Voles"

"Michael Bay Gives Fans Sneak Peek At Ninja Turtles’ Hyper-Realistic CGI Genitals"

"David Fincher To Helm YouTube’s First Hour-Long Drama Series 'Turtle Has Sex With Shoes'"

"Is Emma Stone Sporting A Baby Bump? A Nine-Year-Old Boy Tells Us What He Thinks"

"NFL Concludes Ex-Players Taking Their Own Lives Because 'They Miss Football So Much'"

"Meat Prices Skyrocket After Cow Smashing Machine Gets All Beefed Up"

"Romantic Boyfriend Surprises Girlfriend With Valentine’s Day Love Labyrinth"